Single State of Mind: Why Am I Single?
What is a “Single State of Mind?” Honestly, I just made it up, but it has a nice ring, doesn’t it? (I’d be lying if I said that Alicia Keys and Jay Z didn’t help me with this title a bit. I mean, “Empire State of Mind,” who could forget?) Apparently, it’s the name of a book too so s/o to Andi Dorfman!
But a “Single State of Mind” is simply a phrase to encapsulate all the experiences, lessons, misconceptions, and opinions I had/have on being single. Now, where to begin?
Well, if we really want to start at the beginning, I’ve been single all my life! Not to toot my own horn, but I’m quite the catch! But shouldn’t we all feel that way about ourselves? Name a reason as to why I am single? I'm glad you asked. I would have to credit it to that time in my adolescence when Mr. Law Ofattraction told me he would be MIA until “further notice.” Last I heard, he was abroad in someplace sunny. Sounds nice. I guess I’m just still waiting for his “further notice” to arrive, but—ya know—the postal service lately has been quite shit, so I don’t really blame the delay on my buddy Law.
On a serious note, I haven’t had the best luck in the “CRUSH” Department. I can honestly say it all started with Dante Brown. “Ah, 5th grade, what a time to be alive!” said everyone stuck in this vicious cycle of adult debt and a TikTok addiction. Long story short, our romance (or lack thereof) ended with us talking on the elementary basketball court. The conversation was brief but very effective. Remarkably the only thing I remember from it was him saying, “Don’t worry, I’m sure someone will like you someday.” Okay, I’m not sure if my brain filled in the blanks a bit, but I swear that’s what I remember or what I think I thought I remembered anyway. Today I can say, “I suppose that doesn’t sound too bad” . . . at least he was optimistic I’d find someone someday, but to 5th grade Sabria, third-degree BURN.
From then on, it just became a never-ending tale of Wrong Guy, Wrong Time. (It’s a fascinating read, I heard it won a Pulitzer!) You see, I fell for my guy friends. I never really had guy friends growing up, and the ones I felt comfortable with quickly became crushes. I didn’t avoid boys or anything like that. It just so happened that most of my friends were girls, and it’s been that way since. So, I guess it was never really “wrong guy, wrong time,” instead “wrong guy every time.” (But, if you asked my sister why I was single, she would say I’m too picky. If picky is only wanting to date someone I have feelings for and am attracted to then yes I am the culprit of my own solitude.)
I used to be embarrassed about my single status. I thought that status was somehow capable of establishing my worth. I was delusional. Now it’s all clear, I don’t need a relationship, but the hopeless romantic in me wants one. Although, if I were to die tomorrow without ever having been in a relationship, I would still die happy because, yes, even though I am alone, I’m not lonely (most of the time). Besides, between navigating a new city, new job, and same identity crises . . . does one really have the luxury to think about a relationship? My empty fridge would say, “NO!” Oftentimes, I’m too busy playing Call of Duty Mobile or trying to stay sane to even care about the dating world outside my studio walls. I could genuinely go on about my “Single State of Mind,” but I think that’s enough for now. I’ll share all the embarrassing tales from this loveless rollercoaster of mine, and the realizations I’ve come to about dating/ singleness another time. Till then, adieu.
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